作文題一： Is memory a help or a hindrance in helping us learn from the past and succeed in the future?

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作1：
 
　　On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, (1)during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. (2)I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. （營造記憶）

　　Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I haven’t lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. （營造收獲）

　　分析：
　　1 during強調(diào)延續(xù)性，in強調(diào)一段時間里發(fā)生了一件事。所以此處應(yīng)該改成in.
　　2 文章采取倒敘手法，所以在2處感覺有一點奇怪，剛剛還是東西被盜，后來心情又好了。
　　3 不能是“你覺得擠”，只能是that place was a little crowded
　　4 文章的深刻度不夠，處于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分?jǐn)?shù)，還得在深刻性上下功夫。個人例子特別適合以情動人。

　　修改：
　　In my winter vacation in Junior, I went to shoot some photos with my aunt since the most important festival in China, namely, the Spring Festival was approaching. But the photo studio was full of people choosing clothes and making up. It was in such disorder that I lost my cell phone which I had used for two years. This unhappy event almost ruined my once-in-a-year celebration for I could hardly contact my friends and my teachers to have a get-together because I had never backed up their phone numbers before. （營造悲慘記憶）

　　So I began to, from that moment, form a habit of writing down the information of my friends and relatives on my notebook to ensure safety. And up to now, I have got my special address list, with my own notes attached to many numbers showing their relationship with me, their birthday and even their favorite food. For example, Lily, a confidant, likes bananas, born on May 1; Adam is just a fair-weather friend. Interestingly enough, now I find that I could not only recite most important numbers but also strengthened my ties with my true friends. （深化收獲）

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作2：（基礎(chǔ)一般，筆者把文章拆成了五部分，分別點評）

　　Some failed experiences are useful for us.

　　一.Take myself for as an example. I played tennis at the age of eight. When I was eleven years old, I took part in a Sports Meeting about tennis which was organized by Jiangsu Province, a province in the southeast of China. 1At the beginning of the group match I had won two opponents, but my third opponent, Hu, who was in the Jiangsu 2provinciance’s team, defeated me. The score was 1:6 and 2:6. At the end of our match, he held out his thumb to the ground and said, ‘Loser! You cannot win forever!’
　　I could not forget it after the match, though I would have another doubles match the next day. (營造失敗的記憶)

　　分析：
 
　　1.in the first group stage
　　2.provincial team 省隊

　　二.1 His words reverberated unceasingly nearby my ear, even in mine dream.

　　The next day, I could not focus on the match. At the beginning of the match, the score was 1:4.
　　2 ‘What are you doing?’ My partner shouted at me while his hand knocked at my head and his arm winded around my shoulder. ‘You shouldn’t pay attention to your failure that was something in the past. And you must focus on this match now!’ He shouted. At last, we won the match and got the prize of 6th that year.

　　分析：
 
　　1 修改：His words stayed in my mind for such a long time that I could not focus my attention on the doubles match the next day.
　　2 呵呵，在這位同學(xué)的營造下，他的朋友成了又一個馬景濤，很喜歡吼，看過實在忍俊不禁。

　　修改：He, holding out his hand, firstly knocked at my head, had me in his arm and told me some words that I would never forget, ‘Cheer up. Do not cry over the split milk. Just let it go. Put aside the previous failure and try your best in the current match. ’ He drove those words so deep into my heart that I finally made it. Finally, we won the …

　　注：各位要學(xué)會多用對話加強真實感。

        三 When we came back to Suzhou, I began to work harder on my tennis training. Everyday I went to the tennis court after school. From 5p.m. to 8p.m., I 1exert all my strength at training. Everyday I was still training 2while my teammates went home with their parents.

        分析：

        1 時態(tài)的問題請大家一定要注重，確保前后一致。
        2 在看這句的時候，突然覺得作者有一點感傷了，看到同學(xué)們都和爸媽一起回去了。
        3 總體上說訓(xùn)練是一個把不好的記憶變成好記憶的重要過度，還得添加筆墨來加強場景感。

        修改：

        After returning to my hometown, days went on as usual. But that failed experience let me realize that as a tennis player, there was still a long way before me. In order to fill the gap between professional athletes and me, I became harder on myself. Everyday after school I could be spotted walking into the stadium and training painstakingly every night until the security guard hurried me up to leave there. Day in and day out, I kept practicing a series of skills---serving, forehand hitting and backhand returning, dampening one T-shirt after another. But no matter how tired I was, I always bore in mind an idea to beat that man who looked upon me one year ago. For almost a year, the total practice hours mounted to an amazing __ hours.

        四 1 The second year, I joined my final match because my age was too old to join the match. I knew it was my final chance to defeat him. Luckily, we had a battle at the semi-final. 2 The time does not lose the person with high aspirations. Finally, I won the match with the score of 7:5, 4:6 and 7:5. At last, I said, ‘3 You are the loser now. What’s the feeling of it? It’s my pound to interview you.’

        分析：

         1 這個句子有點晦澀，應(yīng)該是指這個年齡段的比賽以后你就不能參加了。
         2 不理解這句話
         3 呵呵，實在是太可愛了，我們就順應(yīng)他的意思吧。

        修改：

        One year later, I entered, with great confidence, for the same competition, which would be my final performance since this game was prepared for children aged 8 to 12. After sweeping all my opponents, I entered the final and, not surprisingly, saw my greatest foe--- Hu, the defending champion. This time, he paled compared with a new me，who was not only skillful but also determined. Finally, after a two-hour fierce fight, I won the game by 7:5, 4:6 and 7:5.

        五.總結(jié)例子 From my failure to my win, there is just one year. But it must be the experience I will never forget.

        修改：

        It takes me one year to turn the failed experience into a victory, during which I not only improved my skills in tennis but more importantly increased my courage to deal with troubles. 
 

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